Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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