I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
