is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize