God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
