So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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