Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize