Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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