I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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