I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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