I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
