You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
