Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
