Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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