I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
