totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize