I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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