It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize