I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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