It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
