why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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