Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
