woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
