I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
