proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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