Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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