Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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