I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
