why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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