i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
