I would go down on you faster than GM stock
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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