it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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