I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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