How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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