She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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