On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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