i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
