tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
