Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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