I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
