Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
