I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
