the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
