my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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