Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
