turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
