Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
