giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
