Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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