Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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