no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
