Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
