Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
