I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
