I just pynch a tree in the face
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
