He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my shit smells like andre
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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