Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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