she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Randomize