haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
that is very illegal...i love you.
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