i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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