well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize