you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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